Xiao Zhan – Wilderness in his Heart

Translator’s Note: This article comes from Portrait Magazine 2020 Feb Issue.

When filming on the Xiang Mountains, Xiao Zhan would almost run in the wild fields everyday.

The sky is very blue, he would often be in the midst of waves of rice stalks.

From afar, the short and rolling green hills, the breeze quietly blows over, he did not need to think of anything.

Till now, his friends would still keep some of his video clips of the wild fields he shot – often it would be the sunset, the sound of the winds, the rustling sounds of leaves brushing against one another, the man who was filming held his breath, the scene slowly panned up from the wild fields, sometimes you could hear sounds of thunder from far away.

The scene remained serene, he remained calm as he stood in the middle of the wild fields.

Sizing Up

Life as a commoner stopped for Xiao Zhan at age 25.

In the 2019 that just passed, he went onto Weibo trending topics 159 times, his high ponytail look, his arrow collared suit, whether he overcame the hellish lighting by Hunan TV, his pants had holes or not, his waistline, his smile, whether he snoozed in an event, did he look at someone, he cried or not. In order to understand his expression at that specific moment, his fans would pause his videos, screen capture, blow it up and analyze using Photoshop.

He became someone who was scrutinized every moment. Every morning after waking up, he would be most worried about his condition, a face that has to go onto camera, does not have the right to be bloated, with his height at 183.6cm, his weight at 127lbs, but his face still easily suffers from water retention. He could not understand why, could it be the fault of that cup of latte? His staff recommended that he only drink americano. But what if he could not even drink americano? When he heard this, he immediately fell backwards onto his seat with a “shuuaa”, his face in both hands, “let me live”.

The scrutiny on Xiao Zhan is from all angles. The bits and pieces of his growing process could be found on the internet, whatever naughty thing he did as a child that caused him to be disciplined, what he drew after he debuted, what logos he had designed, including the name of his cat, whether he had a girlfriend before, whether he could ice skate, what his favorite drink was. His online social accounts had been strictly controlled, when to logon, when to post, what to post, the pictures, the accompanying emoticons would all be deeply analyzed, even the time of posting would have wild guesses as to whether he had other meanings – regrettably, he does not seem to have any secrets to speak of.

The entertainment business studies a person silently and passively, the tone of speech, the mild expressions, these could all become evidence of a person’s reputation. Director Lü Ying precisely captured Xiao Zhan’s information this way. When filming “The Oath of Love”, he checked out Xiao Zhan’s reputation by word of mouth, he called his friend – “Xiao Zhan is in your team now, how is he like?”, the reply was given without any hesitation, “very good, highly cooperative, you’ll know once you use him.” He was at ease. In China, communication is more reserved, with the aim of not offending anyone, you would have to listen to the words and the tone – if the other party hesitated for a few seconds, “Uh… still alright”, this is a polite reminder that this person is “not proper”.

After the filming started, Lü Ying saw for the first time the rabid craze behind chasing stars – after filming dramas for nearly 20 years, his teams had never encountered so much attention. After the end of the day’s filming, he always had to arrange for the route for Xiao Zhan to his hotel, from which elevator down, from which side door, almost like “a getaway”. He was confused, he did not see that much fans in the daytime, but once night falls they would all appear – “do they hide on the trees?”. Even friends who had not been in contact for many years would WeChat him, “Director, I’m coming to visit your set.” When he spoke of this, he laughed exasperatedly, “Please, don’t bluff me, after being out of contact for hundreds of years, are you here to visit me or to have a look at Xiao Zhan?”

The day that “Portrait” visited Xiao Zhan for the first time, it was alright 11pm at night, after the day’s filming, Xiao Zhan was in his car on the way back to the hotel, as the yellow streetlamps flew past, everyone in the car was exhausted, no one was looking at their mobile phones, all were resting with their eyes closed. After 40 minutes, as the car stopped at the hotel entrance, it was suddenly rowdy. Although it was midnight, crowds and flash lights swiftly gathered, Xiao Zhan was surrounded. His staff came down from another car, pushing a huge makeup case, looked up at the scene a few meters away, turned and said, “You see, being in the same car as Xiao Zhan is very tiring.”

As his staff, they are all extra careful – when conversing in the elevator, we unintentionally said Xiao Zhan’s full name, and were instantly stopped by their glares, because there were still strangers with us. They had to take every precaution, all staff would wear masks, all had to have anti-spy screen protectors for their mobile phones, in order to stop sasaeng fans from secretly filming them; after staying in a hotel, they had to repeatedly ensure that no one is listening in on them from behind the door. But these seem futile, after they had checked out, there would still be sasaeng fans secretly requesting for Xiao Zhan’s ex-room number, in order to stay in the room he once stayed, almost as a form of “checking off their to-do list”.

Accompanying staff would always inadvertently be found in those videos. Every trip, before reaching the airport, their seats would be taken up, and would sometimes be deliberately separated from him. The process to switch back the seats would usually be quite smooth, the other party would not request for signatures, or group photos – they probably just wanted to be closer, to have a look at him.

Now, he could not escape the life of scrutiny. Last year July, without any makeup, wearing T-shirt and canvas shoes, Xiao Zhan went to Shanghai Disneyland together with his good friend, it was a rare rest day in his tight work schedule, he was extremely excited when he sent the invitation to his friend, “I am free, I am free, quickly give me your time.” In order to take some photos and videos, he took his mask off just for a short while, but he was immediately recognized, so he could only walk faster and faster, hide into a restaurant, and the trip to an amusement park became the escape from an enclosed room.

5 months later, once again in Shanghai, on a Saturday with great weather, he wanted to take a walk, and his staff could not dissuade him. He put on a cap and a mask, showing only his eyes, and thought his disguise was successful. But very soon, he was discovered because he was wearing his usual sweater and winter jacket. At night, he did not give up, went to watch a play called “Sleep No More”, and was sure that there would be no problems this time round because all of the audiences had to wear full masks, but in the end, the result was the same.

This is his life, being pursued again and again, doors closing in on him one by one. His lifestyle became more and more routine, from the hotel elevator to the basement, onto his car, to his work, and after it ends, back to his car to the hotel, not much of a chance to see the sky, from a studio to another studio, all enclosed, all in daylight lamps. Sometimes, after being enclosed for a long period of time, he did not even know if it was day or night. There was once while filming a drama, after being in the team for several months, the staff working with him almost never left the team, everyday watching the rice fields outside of the window, as the fields went from green to yellow, and the temperature fell, he sighed, “When we leave, it would be winter.”

He became more prudent. In the past, he used to have a Weibo post, a “secret garden”, when he was free, he would reply his fans there, he called them “Xiao Fei Xia”. Sometime before this interview, he closed the garden. Many celebrities would place their family members as part of their crew, but instead, he deliberately reduced his time with his parents, because he wished that they would stay away from the camera, such that they would remain free as every other commoner.

But somethings could not be predicted nor controlled. Not long ago, after an event in Shanghai which he participated in, the signature board had a sudden hole in it – the piece containing his signature was cut out and taken away, and soon after, someone was selling it online in their friend space (TN: This would refer to QQ Space, a chat program with a friends-only post board similar to Facebook), “Xiao Zhan’s signature, real signature, if you want it for your collection, come to me.” Or, he would never have thought that he would be trapped in the hotel’s revolving door, and the other person trapped with him, was an accompanying director.

“Portrait” experienced a similar story – Xiao Zhan walked into the hotel lobby, there would be people chasing him with raised mobile phones filming him, almost knocking into his face, he suddenly ran, the crowd screamed. From afar, he seemed like a comet with his tail. Fortunately, the elevator was on the first floor, he quickly darted into it. The moment was almost movie-like, no one spoke, there were only sounds of camera shutters, as the door slid shut, there was just a tight gap, his back facing the slowly sliding elevator door, his face leaning against the corner of the lift. It was just like what that accompanying director said after the encounter – “We were like animals trapped in a cage.”

Party B

Xiao Zhan never complained about these. On him, there was this fresh sense of understanding. He knew that the constant scrutiny would be his life for a very long time. This was the price to pay for this job.

Having been a designer, Xiao Zhan had a deep awareness and understanding of the relationship between Party A (client) and Party B (contractor). “Even if he’s the boss of a company, he also has his Party A. In the social networking, it is definitely reciprocative, no one can be free to do as they like.” If he were not an actor, perhaps the stress in his life would be higher, “it is possible that at this moment, I coould have broken down crying in a random train.”

Sometimes, the producer of “The Untamed”, Yang Xia, would be amazed at Xiao Zhan’s communication ability. There was a smoothness associated with plenty of life experiences.

He had been through the society “school of hard knocks”. In University, he studied design, and there were a lot of spare time outside of curriculum, hence he never stopped working on something since first year. He opened a photography studio with his friends, his parents gave him some startup funds and told him firmly, “If you regret and come back to us crying, we’ll ignore you,” and never bothered with him. In order to cut down operational fees, he and his friends went down to construction materials markets themselves, to choose floor tiles, coffee tables, buy water pipes, and discuss renovation details with the contractors; they went to apply for their operation license themselves, and finally the studio was functional.

If they were to court random customers, it would hardly profitable, hence they thought about having membership. In order to court clients to sign up, Xiao Zhan said he could place himself at the lowest, his work motto was, “Of course I could serve you tea and drinks, in the shop I opened, you are my client, serving you is my job, and my job is to make you satisfied.”

After that, he also started his own design studio, clocking in everyday, frequently working overnight. Besides drawing maps for farms, doing interior design for a cafe, most of his work involved designing logos. As per the client’s requirements, he would design 3 logos with backup choices, and his aim was very clear – to win the bid.

“I must win the bid, I want my clients to see my logo, I feel that everyone should have this kind of ambition, not the kind that will cause you to do evil, but more about being able to match what others are doing, like a 3D effect, or a moving image, I just won’t admit defeat, everyone learnt art, I just must be the best.”

The aim to win the bid was clear and organized, and this could be seen in his acting career. As Wei Wuxian in “The Untamed,”, he proactively fought for the role. During casting, Yang Xia saw a lot of actors, some would say that they read the original novel but their lies would quickly be uncovered. Xiao Zhan was truthful, he had not read the novel yet, so he said he did not read it.

But he read the script thoroughly, and wrote countless character analysis essays, “Direct analysis, relationship charts, scribbles everywhere, I did quite a lot of that, you could say that I’m prepared, I’m just doing what I can, and doing all that I can.” This type of sincerity and professionalism moved Yang Xia. “From the moment he was in the team, I never worried about Xiao Zhan, he is a clear headed person, I never needed to tell him much.”

If he did not want to do it, he would not do so, hence this has never been a question for him.

When he was still Party B, his work had to be done in layers, and he had to save frequently. The drafts were indicated by the appending numbers 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, and it kept increasing because the client would endlessly request for adjustments, and his computer would frequently crash.

The fonts needed to be saved, the sources needed to be saved, the links needed to be saved, “Headache.” The biggest worry that Xiao Zhan had would be to open his files and realize that the links were gone, or the layers were messed up, or his numbering was jumbled. As he spoke of these, he held his head and said, “Wah, total breakdown.”

His true work experience was given to him by a Hong Kong boss. The story was almost similar to “The Devil wears Prada”. The boss was highly efficient, professional, cold but his precise demonstration of work life gave Xiao Zhan a huge shock.

This boss of his “forced” away 3 interns, the phone calls at 3am or 4am had to be picked up, emails must be replied within 10 minutes, there was no tolerance for carelessness. If the marketing materials in the mall had been slightly damaged by children, even if it was a hole as small as a fingernail, if he saw it, it had to be replaced immediately. However, the supplier would not come down for such a small matter, in such circumstances, the boss would not even reconsider, only told Xiao Zhan, “I don’t care how you do it, it must be changed today.” For many of such instances, he could not get the supplier to come, he would quietly go down to the factory himself to bring the new marketing materials back.

There was once Xiao Zhan did a huge mistake. That was the mall’s summer campaign, they printed 4,000 booklets, he was the graphic auditor. The day that the booklets were sent over, he waited in office since 8am, and as he flipped the first page, his brain went blank with a “woosh” – there was a small picture that was misplaced in the first page, half of the space was white. He started to sweat, and felt that he was a goner – this was a team that was so strict that they would reprint everything if a single punctuation was wrong.

Until this day, he still remembered that scene, he went to his boss, apologized, explained the situation, and his boss flipped to the first page and saw, “oh, it’s here.” He stood as his boss was seated, and then there was a long silence. Finally, his boss, that strict middle-aged man, waved his hands, “It’s alright.” After that, he started making all kinds of calls, contacted the publisher, to reprint the 4,000 booklets, and confirmed that it would be sent the next day. After handling all these, that boss told Xiao Zhan something that he still found very useful till today – When a problem occurs, do not complain, the important thing is to solve the problem, now, instantaneously, immediately to rectify it, reduce the time wastage to the shortest.

This is the source of Xiao Zhan’s strong sense of professionalism since his debut. In the talent search variety show, he never learned dancing, but he practiced until his toenail fell off, the producer asked if he would continue dancing, “Dance, tomorrow, the day after, and the day after, I sill have to dance.” A group of them went to performance classes, he did step by step what the teacher told him to do, because they were not in costume, it was more casual, the others would break into laughter, but he would never. “You will feel that he has the right attitude, actually initially you don’t think there’s anything special in his performance, but he just has the right attitude.” That was the initial impression he gave the others. Lü Ying remembered, the actress Yang Zi had teased the seriousness in Xiao Zhan, and said that there was no way anyone could joke with him on set, because he would take it seriously.

Almost every single interviewee would attest to his professionalism, they came from different working occasions, different job scope, the details were all different – when he could have chosen to stay in a better hotel, he would instead choose to stay with his make up artists and production crew so as to save 1 hour of travel time, he wanted to use this 1 hour to memorize his lines; filming in cold weather, he would turn off the heater in the trailer beforehand, so that he could adjust to the temperature, such that he would not be stiff when he leaves the trailer, and he would be in good condition to perform.

This sense of professionalism did not fade with the passage of time. His first time as the main male supporting role, which was Ji Chong of “The Wolf”, there were approximately 300 scenes, he never left once, and honestly stayed for 4 months, in order to search for the condition which an actor should have. Last year was his third year as an actor, Director Sun Hao of “Joy of Life” was slightly surprised that this person “was there even for lighting adjustments”, many actors would have stand ins for this, and make minor adjustments when it is their turn to film, but Xiao Zhan was not worried about the sun, no matter how long it took, he was always waiting on the spot.

To Xiao Zhan, there were no differences between talent shows, acting and his previous career as a designer – they were all work and you should not be lazy. It was his personal choice to accept overtime and stay up all night, hence he would not be upset by that. The only thing that could upset him or break him down would be “Why did I not do as well as the others? Why were they able to think of this?”

Until today, he still remembered the days before his debut, a tight space, he was seated in a row with young designers, everyone’s computers were close to one another, everyone could see what the others were doing, everything was out in the open, everyone was fighting with their abilities, their tastes and ideas. Everyone was toiling in front of their monitors, until their faces were oily, and when the final design was being shown on the projector, that feeling is the most simple and pure, but also the most complex – this was probably how the real society was like.

Sensitivity

Listening to Xiao Zhan speak was a joy, he loved to use onomatopoeia (TN: i.e. a word that actually looks like the sound it makes). When he described a spark of inspiration during his time as a designer, he used the sound “ding”; for his first audition, there was a feeling of an opening ceremony that his acting career started with a “dong”; sometimes the directors would make changes on the spot, he said that there is an engine in his head, which would start spinning with “chichi” sounds; used “high” to describe how he liked these impromptu performances; the countless images flashed through his mind with a “bang”; when depicting how Wei Wuxian dropped all his guise and guard, he raised his hands, and brush downwards with a “shuaa”.

It seemed as though all of his senses were turned on, when we spoke of time travel drama, he did not like it, because it felt “very suspended”. The feeling of staying at home “is like falling into a piece of cloud, you can roll around in it, there is no pressure”. When he saw a tree, and as the branches were swaying in the wind, he felt beauty, as the breeze swept through the leaves, and brought the scent of the earth with it, it meant Spring had arrived. “Spring has a scent, I don’t know where this scent comes from, but if it comes, I would definitely feel it, it sounds so artistic, but I just have that strong sensation.” At some place and time, he felt cold and he immediately remembered the times when he was still a student studying in Chongqing some 10+ years ago – that time he was seated in the classroom memorizing vocabulary, shivering.

He described his favorite season in Chongqing to “Portrait” – when it was slightly chilly, when fall had just started, you could wear a thin jacket. There would be a thick mist in the morning, and he could see the bridge breaking through the mist, almost like in a fantasy world, the tall buildings were all stacked on the hills, the light rail shuttling between the buildings – there would be sense of romance rising from the whole city, and with mystery too, the feeling was very subtle, indescribable. This was Chongqing’s most alluring moment.

Xiao Zhan had a type of natural sensitivity. In every interview, while the interviewer was studying him, he was also studying the interviewer. Some interviewers were confident, but the younger ones would be very nervous, and he would take note of their tensed state, “Now I know, if I were to act as a younger interviewer, I might be pulling recapping my pen constantly.” That was how a newcomer might display anxiety.

At the filming set, observing the staff was also something important. The sound guy’s aim is to record sounds, and he had to ensure that the sounds were clear and perfect, without any trace of static. Despite holding the microphone stand, Xiao Zhan was pouting, and mimicked the sound guy’s tone with a frown, “Didn’t I tell you, turn off the wireless, turn off the air conditioner, the air conditioner outside as well, don’t talk, you’re wearing the mic, aiyo, sorry.” The person in charge of scene log, always had to bring the clapper board, “Here ok, here ok, higher, lower, further, nearer, ayy, which scene, actors faces?” He liked these vivid people in his life, “especially interesting, really especially interesting.” He kept exclaiming.

His sensitivity gave him the ability to understand his roles. “Joy of Life” director Sun Hao felt that Xiao Zhan was someone able to reach into himself for a role. Director Su Lun described Xiao Zhan as a very clean piece of white paper. “Because he’s new and he’s especially willing to use his real feelings.” She felt that every role he was in, he projected his real life experiences. “Where he was born, how his parents were like, his childhood experiences, just like maybe one day he grabbed a dragonfly by accident, encountered something, all these may affect his performance and chemistry, and all these are instinctive. I feel that he just has these abilities inborn in him.”

Actress Zang Hongna also experienced Xiao Zhan’s exquisite sensitivity. She was also someone who loved performance, and when Xiao Zhan just stepped into the actor career, she was that his standard partner in script reading. She acted as almost everything Xiao Zhan had to partner, a man, a woman, old, young, “I even helped as a prop.” They would also observe people and things in life together, as their acting resource archive.

There was one year in Beijing, she drove to pick up Xiao Zhan, and they met a pair of delivery staff, man and woman. That winter, the wind was especially strong, this couple rode on the same motorcycle delivering takeouts, one had his left hand on the motorcycle handle, the other had her right hand on it, and the unused hands were tightly held together. She remembered Xiao Zhan exclaiming from the passenger seat, that that scene was amazing.

Coincidentally, in January this year, Xiao Zhan had the chance to act as a delivery staff in a short clip called “Buying Ears”, whose dream was to gift a set of hearing aids to his hearing impeded grandmother, who lived far away back in his hometown. Director Su Lun expressed that before she saw Xiao Zhan, she was quite hesitant. Before the filming started, she was still pondering how to film the clip well, because it was their first time working together, there was insufficient time to bond, and it was also impossible to see the possibilities she needed from his past works.

After meeting face-to-face, they discussed the filming details, “Director, I won’t shave, I won’t style my hair, this is closer to the character, do you think it’s alright?” He would usually observe delivery staff’s gestures in the elevator, for example, how to sniff (TN: due to the cold weather), how to walk briskly, sometimes break into a small jog, because they would be wearing gloves, they would frequently use their mouths to open packaging, or to split disposable chopsticks. Su Lun was immediately relieved. “Actually these things, I feel that they are also part of performance.”

Director Chen Yushan also received WeChat messages from Xiao Zhan, he said he missed Ji Chong of “The Wolf”. That was his first time receiving such an important role, he entered the life of Ji Chong, received his happiness, anger, sadness and joy. When shooting the last scene for Ji Chong, Chen Yushan looked at him and said to him, “Wear Ji Chong’s clothes for the last time.” At that time, his expression was amiss, Chen Yushan remembered till this day, that was the expression of “heart break”. She told him very seriously, “You will face this situation countless times, I hope that every time you would feel this way, love this character, so much so that you can’t bear to take off his clothes.”

Going to War without Armor

The learning of “feeling” was a long process, especially to Xiao Zhan 5 years ago.

At that time he was still young man, clueless in front of the camera, in the talent search variety show, his first photoshoot, with Shu Qi as the mentor, who kept teaching him, down to the very details of where to place his hands on the ice, the face had to be stable on a position and not sway around, what should the expression of lying down be like, where should he look… the editing team were so bothered by it that a caption of “Yearning for Direction” was added next to his confused face.

He remembered his first time going to the set for an audition, he could not find the camera, and kept blocking others’ camera angle, auditions were like a battlefield, everyone was vying for the same character, all the performance methods, designed points will be spotted by others, that feeling, was like being picked and inspected naked.

Before entering the acting arena, he had never thought that dramas were produced this way: there would be hundreds and thousands of people doing major scale adjustments of the set, if the sound was not live recorded, there would absolutely not be any quiet corner available for you to enter into the scene, imagine this, you were acting in a tragic crying scene, there would be a hundred people surrounding you, some were whispering, someone would pick up his phone and tell the delivery staff on the other end, “You put it at the doorway, I’m still working.” – this is something true that happened to Xiao Zhan before.

Because he had no works under his belt, for nearly 3 years, actor Xiao Zhan was basically transparent in the industry, he acted in many supporting characters, was even in a group dance in the movie “Monster Hunt 2”, as a dancing and moving background, the camera quickly panned past him, his time onscreen could be counted in seconds. “Dancer in the Village” became a joke to tease Xiao Zhan. Lü Ying laughed as he said those four words, he remembered that previously when he was directing “Suddenly This Summer”, someone recommended Xiao Zhan, he liked this boy, clean, pure and bright but “the platform said no, not popular, no.”

His first time acting as a main supporting role was “The Wolf”, and that was also the result of Xiao Zhan fighting for it. When he met Director Chen Yushan, he was someone who was just part of an idol group, Chen Yushan had directed many famous idol dramas, a good looking face is not enough to move her. Xiao Zhan put in a lot of hard work, he read the whole story synopsis beforehand, narrated why he liked the character, even went as in-depth as to if he were to be Ji Chong, he hoped not to portray him as a stereotypical wanderer, who would be just someone suave and like to drink, he hoped that Ji Chong would not have an unpleasant side to him.

Zang Hongna met Xiao Zhan in this drama team, at that time Xiao Zhan was a “rookie” in everyone eyes. He was very quiet, and always seemed uneasy in the team, unsure what to say to everyone, because he was inexperienced, his shooting progress was comparatively slower, hence he was blamed himself a lot, worried that his acting was bad, that he would let the role down. During Mid Autumn Festival, to express his apologies, he bought a lot of moon cakes for everyone.

Being an actor and being a designer is really totally different jobs, and like every young person who enters a new realm, Xiao Zhan experienced a frustration that he had never felt before, and he was appalled to realize, that his previous life experiences were no longer enough.

“The Wolf” was shot in Yunnan Shangri’la, there were rolling snow mountains, deep river valleys, the temperature difference between day and night was akin to the four seasons, when it was cold, the winds would slice you like ice blades, until you could not stand steadily. In the primary forests 4000m above sea level, the horses in the team could not run, even the martial arts teachers also could not run after 2 rounds of jogging. There was a crying scene, and Xiao Zhan, with his eyes swollen from ultra-violet ray sensitivity, just simply could not cry. He even attempted to pinch himself, but it was useless.

“I broke down, I just could not act well, and yet I didn’t know where the problem was.” He went into a phase of severe self doubt. At night after the day’s filming, he would have performance classes until 2am or 3am, and he woke up 7am in the morning to do make up, still it was useless. There were many nights, after returning to his hotel room, he would just lie on the bed, with his make up, just staring at the ceiling, and stare for about 20 minutes, asking himself repeatedly, “Am I really suited to be an actor?”

One day, the performance teacher Xu Jiehui brought a bottle of Kaoliang liquor over – you drink a bit, you need to relax. That day he drank, dizzy and drowsy, the teacher praised him, look when you are relaxed you are acting well, quickly go write down this sensation. Xiao Zhan went back and started typing on his keyboard, and as he typed he cried, “venting while tipsy”. He wrote as he cried, then he remembered a video he watched on Weibo of a child who was doing his homework as he was crying, who did not want to do his homework, but he still had to, and cried as he did.

At a certain point in time, Xiao Zhan realized that he was no longer young. To enter into this scene as a 25 years old, might be slightly too late. This meant that he had pushed himself to the edge of desperation from the very beginning.

Breaking down was not a singular event, in “The Untamed”, that scene with the unforgettable serial number “38-1”. Yang Xia commented on this scene, “Damned 38-1, the pain in Xiao Zhan’s heart forever.” That was a group scene, many actors were there, Xiao Zhan’s character was like a detective, he had to answer the questions, his lines were two full papers, both sides, highlighted in orange, and the whole paper was orange.

He had well memorized all the lines when he was in the trailer, but once the camera started, Xiao Zhan forgot everything, his mind was blank, all he could remember was the orange color from the highlighter. There was nothing he could do besides admitting his fault, endlessly apologizing to everyone, “Sorry, I am really sorry, I really can’t memorize that.” The strict director did not scold him this time round, “Everyone please understand, he filmed for a whole day, there is really not enough brains for this.”

In the new world, everything was foreign, he had to grasp every opportunity to learn and adjust. Xiao Zhan called “Joy of Life” director Sun Hao “master”, and before filming, Xiao Zhan specially arranged time in his schedule to have 6 sessions of performance classes, Sun Hao could feel the strong desire to learn from Xiao Zhan, “Like a sponge, going to war without armor.”

In the Jiu Xian Bridge apartment, this pair of teacher-student spent 6 very simple afternoons together. Xiao Zhan would be wearing sporting wear that “he could roll around in” for the classes. The performance classes had a lot of repeated training – Sun Hao realized that Xiao Zhan could do a scene multiple times in several different ways. If Xiao Zhan had to act lonely, he would be lonely even in a group, and he would think of different methods in order to be “unaffected by stray thoughts”.

Sun Hao once observed Xiao Zhan via the surveillance camera, a group scene, where the fighting was very intense and the focus was not on him at all, but he would not relax, like simply strike a pose and left it at that, but instead he was extremely focused, still in the world and emotions of the character. Sun Hao liked this type of students. “Clean and harmless, never been polluted, easy to manage.” He knew that Xiao Zhan had experiences in the society, debuted late, and therefore knew how to cherish, “In comparison with red carpets and spotlight, he still loved acting, this is not someone who would love ‘replicas’.”

In “The Untamed” last summer, Xiao Zhan took on the lead role for the first time, 900 over scenes, complex lines. Hong Kong styled direction was highly efficient, after the scene ended, before the actor had time to sit down, the next scene was already ready. The director would often cue the actors on the spot, and he could perform his expressions and movement without his scene partners or props. The actors needed to be well versed with the script in order to do this – he needs to already have the imagery of the scene, and quickly react.

Yang Xia comments, “In this point, Xiao Zhan is the best of the team.” He had worn down many copies of his scripts, the director cues him, “Ah Zhan, be a little more upset”, he could go from a peaceful expression to an agitated expression immediately, instantaneously switching between different emotional conditions, and allowing the director to do the final pick. Even after a year, in many interviews, Xiao Zhan was still able to accurately repeat many of Wei Wuxian’s lines. Yang Xia knew Xiao Zhan gave a lot for this character, she can feel that Xiao Zhan was getting deeper into Wei Wuxian’s condition as the filming progressed.

There was a gathering during Dragon Boat Festival after the filming has ended, Yang Xia felt that Xiao Zhan was different. When he was in the team, he was like a little chatterbox, he talked a lot, anything could become a point that makes him laugh, everyone would be telling him, “Xiao Laoshi (TN: Laoshi is a common honorific term for artists) really it’s enough, stop laughing”. That time, Xiao Zhan said that he was actually quite an introvert, but no one believed him, this gathering, Yang Xia realized that he was actually a very quiet person. She suddenly understood the Xiao Zhan then – he turned himself into Wei Wuxian, “Being lively became his way of releasing stress.”

Life is just Life

Xiao Zhan is not a lively person, but also not really “not lively”. While interviewing him live, you can see that he would be working hard to liven up the atmosphere. Friend Zang Hongna observed that, to a certain degree, he would be quite lost in a bustling gathering.

He is actually someone who liked to be alone and have his own space. At the same time, he had his own unique sensations with regards to life and living.

This Chongqing boy liked being down-to-earth, he liked the grounded feeling that life brings him. For example, the part where his grandmother told him to return home if he ever got tired as she left him (for home).

He also said, “Life is just life, it is not sweet, but it is also not bitter.” When we spoke of the entertainment business, until this day, he still liked to use the words magical and ghastly, which made him seem more like an observer or outsider, to describe it. Just like what one of his seniors said, as a superstar, Xiao Zhan was still adjusting to it, “He still insists that he did not change, but the problem is that the environment has changed, and that is not decided by him.”

However, the smooth simplicity in how he faces life would reduce his anxiety on this path.

The first 25 years of his life, Xiao Zhan lived in a typical Chinese family, his father handled external affairs, his mother handled the household. Although there would be arguments, the family was warm. His father was a reasonable person, not strict for the sake of it, but also not doting, and educated him since young to be considerate of others and to earn others’ respect by his own virtues, “Just that method, is very Chinese.” Since young, he had been physically disciplined, the worst was during his middle school, because of “minor problems” – he did not do well for his examinations, came back late from school, received “complains” from a teacher for wrong homework answers, fought with a classmate. If he really did something wrong, his parents would not defend him, and occasionally, there would be “punishment duo”.

His father’s style of work was organized, and he demanded that of Xiao Zhan as well. Since childhood, he knew about “National Key Universities”, and he aimed to enter that of Chongqing. He knew about Beijing University and Qinghua University as well, because these two universities had summer camps, and his father would require him to participate. Even if he did not join, his summer would not be wasted. “A child cannot just have academics.” He was forced to participate in many interest classes, such as violin, go, calligraphy, Chinese calligraphy, drawing… until his mother would rebut: There was too much classes, how could he cope?

Until this day, his father would continue with the traditional strict style of education. Recently, his friends sent him the video clip of Xiao Zhan and Na Ying performing “Night at the Naval Port”, his reply was Xiao Zhan improved a lot under the professional guidance of his seniors.

Looking back, it seemed like Xiao Zhan started his competitiveness since then, or perhaps, a child with high demands of himself. He loved drawing, he would set targets for himself, he must win awards, because winning awards were “bragging rights”, whatever he did he must have “results”.

It was hard for him to accept not receiving rewards after hard work. During his high school nationwide final examinations, he wanted to apply for Sichuan Arts University to continue drawing, but he messed up his professional class – he scored the lowest for his best subject, sketching, and until this day, he still could not forget the humiliation. He switched off his mobile phone, unplugged his house phone, did not have his meals, and just laid on his bed staring blankly at the ceiling, and experienced the “first breakdown of his life”.

Eventually the breakdown would past, he calmly accepted this conclusion, and went to another university. Like many youngsters in their 20s, this period of his life was colorful and vivid, he would often hangout at his friends’ place, called his friends’ mother “God-ma”, he would lie down on the couch whichever way he wanted, watched movies, played video games, played table top games, when his two best friends, a couple, argued, he would become the peacekeeper for them.

When he first entered the industry, he also had his life and freedom. That time, he was a nobody, he did not need to wear a mask to go onto the streets, and he could visit the mall and Ikea freely. For a very long period of time, when he landed at the airport, he would have to carry his luggage by himself and take a taxi back home, sometimes fans would recognize him, he would take off his earphones and wave at them with a smile, or even share with them the snacks he had on hand.

These fans, he could recognize some of the familiar faces, he would use memo to note down his feelings to post on Weibo: It’s raining here, what about you? On days he has no work, he would stay at home, to read books or to watch movies that he likes. He would even record his weekly vlogs without makeup, rambling on random topics, like plain water.

Zang Hongna witnessed how Xiao Zhan was like when he first entered the entertainment industry. He had a lot of spare time, and would do random silly things. There was an incident where both of them went to Tienanmen Square to watch the flag raising ceremony at 4a.m. and was forced to tears by the chilling winds; went to skiing together and he forced his friend out of the racing track, and took a picture of him falling flat on his face; “Chef Xiao” had good culinary skills and he would always cook for gatherings.

While they were shooting on Xiang Mountains, there was a rice field nearby, and when filming ended early, on the evenings, Xiao Zhan would take Zang Hongna on a jog next to the fields to lose weight, some 10+km everyday, facing the sunset, it was especially beautiful, and even until this day they would still speak of those times, “That youthful feeling, is truly memorable.”

After “The Untamed”, work filled Xiao Zhan’s life. Almost everyone told us, they had not seen Xiao Zhan for a very long time. Yang Xia said, “Xiao Zhan is now someone without his own life.” This producer was very busy, the interview was held during lunchtime, she ordered two dishes, one vegetable and one meat, one set of sushi, and one set of dessert after the meal – her expectations for herself was that she would have a proper meal no matter how busy she was. But for Xiao Zhan, he did not even have time for a proper meal, “He is actually someone who loved delicious food, loved dessert, loved to pamper himself.”

He no longer posted much on Weibo, his fans saw that he longer shared much of his life, commented, “Online, offline, where is his space?”

His time with his friends were also spent more prudently, as long as Xiao Zhan returns to Chongqing, their meal routes would need to be carefully plotted out, to check if there were private rooms, would it be crowded, and if they really could not avoid it, they would instead stay at home; if they were unable to go to movie theaters, they would stay at home to watch movies they had downloaded for him prior.

Because he had no time, even meeting his family would be rushed. This year after the New Year, Xiao Zhan’s parents brought his grandmother to visit him in Beijing, and stayed for a total of 3 days, but because his work schedule was too full, he only managed to have two meals with them. From the end of filming of “The Oath of Love” until now, for 80+ days, he did not have a single day where he slept until he woke up naturally, he was too sleep deprived, the word he said the most everyday would be, “sleepy.”

Xiao Zhan attempted to hold on to his past, he did not change his Weibo account, what he told the media was that it was “troublesome”, but all his friends knew that he still wanted to have a bit of a commoner’s life.

He was not someone who liked to go out shopping, but now he felt, “Going out shopping makes me happy, just walking a bit on the streets, breath some fresh air, I can be very happy. I don’t have to buy anything, just walk a bit.” He did not want to lose the commoner life, “When you wake up, you realize, I need to put on make up, I need to perform, if everyday would be like this, this person is empty.”

In this swiftly transforming industry, he was someone who cherished his relationships, teacher Sun Hao would visit him on his set, he would have prepared green tea for him beforehand – even long after filming has ended for “Joy of Life”, he still remembered that teacher did not drink coffee. When teacher is leaving, even though it was all fans outside, and his teacher would tell him not to, he would still disregard those, “This dude would just send me out, quite a long way out.”

Yang Xia was also very touched by him, last year July was considered a crisis period for her, “The biggest ordeal of her life”, Xiao Zhan sensed the fluctuations in her emotions, did not really do anything especially, but spent time chatting with her everyday, that time “The Untamed” had long ended, but he still participated in every concert after. It was only later that Yang Xia realized, Xiao Zhan was having a hard time filming during that period, “I would definitely remember this favor, it was his biggest support for me.”

Xiao Zhan once expressed in an interview about lost friendships, and in that interview with Ma Weiwei, when they touched on this topic, he was silent for a long while, and when he spoke, he was slightly choked up.

The loss of innocence, but in this half year, he also grew rapidly. In the past, when he encountered issues, he would be slightly lost, “Ah? What can we do?” This time round when Zang Hongna attended Xiao Zhan’s birthday party, she found that he was calmer in handling many things, now it was an organized “one two three four”, and he would still remember to ask you: “Do you think handling this way would be slightly better?”

When she saw him, it was already 2a.m. at night, there were still a lot of fans gathered in the hotel lobby, she knocked and opened the door, Xiao Zhan opened his arms and embraced her, that hug was long, there were a lot of staff around them, they did not say anything, she felt that Xiao Zhan was very tired, that hug was like a friend replying – “You know me.”

Wilderness

When filming on the Xiang Mountains, Xiao Zhan would almost run in the wild fields everyday. The sky is very blue, he would often be in the midst of waves of rice stalks. From afar, the short and rolling green hills, the breeze quietly blows over, he did not need to think of anything. Till now, his friends would still keep some of his video clips of the wild fields he shot – often it would be the sunset, the sound of the winds, the rustling sounds of leaves brushing against one another, the man who was filming held his breath, the scene slowly panned up from the wild fields, sometimes you could hear sounds of thunder from far away. The scene remained serene, he remained calm as he stood in the middle of the wild fields.

At that point in time, his troubles were simple – it was the confusion of a young man had, regarding his future. Chen Yushan remembered that Xiao Zhan would always like to chat with the others while they were not filming – he had a lot of emotions, such as not knowing where his future laid, how to position himself after “The Wolf”. Chen Yushan would always laugh, “A child’s troubles.” She would tell Xiao Zhan, “No matter how bad the situation is, you have to continue acting, like what you are doing in ‘The Wolf’, you have to do your very best, this is the only thing you can do.”

These words comforted him. At night, everyone went to the seaside to stargaze, he played a bit then rested on the beach, imagining who he would become, what he would be doing. Xiao Zhan positioned himself as a “entertainment business wage-earner”, Zang Hongna still remembered till this day, he said in a very serious tone, “Since I’ve chosen this industry, then I’ll do my best.”

What he faces now, is the rapidly multiplying complexity in this new world. Many things, he would have to face them alone. His friends said, in this process, he displayed extraordinary stress endurance and astonishing resolve. For example, low-key setting up his own studio, designing a new logo, which is a full and aggressive “Zhan” (TN: which in Chinese means “War”).

Almost everyone we interviewed expressed their worries for him, they very much wanted to show their concern for him, but at the same time they were worried about bothering him, and many of them were silently supporting him in their own ways. Director Sun Hao would watch his shows, worry about his student, “The part on him going for lighting adjustments himself, should we not write it in? Once we set up this expectation of him, then he might have to do that for every single drama in the future, that would be too tiring.”

Whereas for Xiao Zhan himself, he was very clear, that he faced another real question: For his next drama, what kind of script should be take on? Works are the most important. The scripts that found him previously, he did not have to consider, he just had to capture the opportunity and take it on. Now the biggest question was how to choose, there were many scripts he had on hand, most of them were for him to become a “Prince Charming”, but he did not want to restrict himself in such roles, hence ABCDE, what should he choose?

On his birthday last year, his good friend sent him well wishes with only 4 words, “be well, be stable” – be well meant for him to stay healthy and not tire himself out; be stable meant for him to remain steady after gaining popularity for half a year, becoming “famous”, and hoped for him not make wrong choices as much as possible.

For now, it seemed that Xiao Zhan is steady. He is always decent and polite in facing every appearance, seriously treating every job. After slowly adjusting to this circle, he felt that that many things did not seem as difficult as he thought it would be. “Many moments in life, we have to learn to compromise with life. People need to grow up, continuously make adjustments, improvements. As long as it does not affect our base principles, I think we can compromise, we can take exception to it, it does not change our principles, as long as we still hold on to our very initial intent unchangingly.

Xiao Zhan is not a man without ambition. Many people had brought up the “aggressiveness” in him. Chen Yushan liked this “aggressiveness”, she saw it as a form of ambition, and also a form of self expectation. “But he will not easily display his ambition, this you would have to provoke him to show it.” She used a snowy white fox as a metaphor to describe Xiao Zhan, “He is very smart, he will only show you what you expect to see of him.” The aggressive part of him, would be hidden beneath his polite and gentlemanly exterior.

Yang Xia had a very deep impression of Xiao Zhan’s resilience. Xiao Zhan was a newcomer and lead actor that suddenly came out of nowhere, but yet when he was filming “The Untamed”, there was never a need to worry about him. He had stress, but that stress did not fully result from the job, there was also his refusal to admit defeat, “It was his own self expectations, gave himself some pressure and push. Hence he will set self targets, then he will work towards to that target.”

This was very similar to the role he acted as, Wei Wuxian. “Even if he is in the Burial Grounds, he will also think, shall we grow potatoes or shall we grow radish, I also want to grow some lotus flowers and lotus roots. I feel that Xiao Zhan also has this resilience, and for an actor, this is a very core quality.”

Chen Yushan always remembered that moment: when “The Wolf” was shooting the character costume photographs, she was standing there, and a clean boy walked towards her, with some stubble on his face, just like how she hoped it would be, his appearance, just gave everyone the feeling of the wilderness behind him.

This was Xiao Zhan’s first important role, his wilderness started from this point forth.

Portrait vs Xiao Zhan

Innocence, to be forever passionate and innocent.

Portrait = P
Xiao Zhan = X

On Growing Up

P: You said that you grew up in a typical Chinese family, what made you feel that it was typical?

X: My father had a strong presence, and very strict expectations, since young he educated me to be considerate, to earn others’ respect by my own virtues, just this, is very Chinese. My mother’s very homely, very dependent on him. I was almost beaten from young, both of them, just all kinds of beatings, after my mother knocked off she will do it, until my father knocked off, when she’s tired he’d continue.

P: How was your fiercest resistance against your parents like?

X: We are Chongqing people, hence our voices are especially loud, every time when I argue with my mother, we would attract all kinds of attention. I felt that we argued quite frequently. The fiercest, let me think, I already couldn’t remember why we argued, actually it also wasn’t something big, probably something about wanting to play on the computer instead of doing homework, or watch television. It was especially rowdy, until my mother smashed stuff, and then cried, at the time I was like, aiyo, now that I recall, I just feel that how could something this small become such an argument? Just quite regretful.

P: At what point did you change, realize that you should grown up or become sensible?

X: When I went to University, first time staying in hostel. Because previously I always commuted to school, the school was 15min away, stayed at home everyday, met my parents everyday, this kind of lifestyle, how could there be no friction. When my parents sent me off to university, I still remember till now, my father drove me there, for the first time I understood the emotions in the short story “Back View” (TN: A short story by Zhu Ziqing) meant, finally understood the meaning it was trying to express. They bid farewell to me, said we’ll bring you till this point, and I’m leaving with your mother, as they walked back to the parking space, I saw their back view, and I felt that I’ve grown up, they were really growing old. At that moment, I said that I should become sensible, and stop making them angry.

P: Actually your ambition as a child was to be an artist, do you still draw now?

X: If I had time, including the previous times while filming, if there weren’t much scenes, when it wasn’t as tightly scheduled, I would draw using my mobile phone, iPad, it’s fun, just graffiti, for example I saw a moon I would draw that down, it didn’t take too much time, half an hour, but it was a feeling, something at that moment in time.

Today I saw a tree, felt that that tree was especially beautiful, the feeling of it swaying in the wind, Spring has arrived, not sure if it was because that I drew since young, I think I can sense that quite well, able to capture some scent of nature, I feel that Spring has the scent of Spring, Summer has the scent of Summer, Fall has the scent of Fall, Winter has the scent of Winter. I don’t know where or when this scent comes, but if it comes, I would definitely feel it.

P: I understand that the sensation you just said, is in fact an immersive experience, you would really immerse yourself because of something.

X: Because I realized that to like is important, passion is important, if you have to do something you dislike very much, then it becomes an ordeal. Work is the same, at least to my personality, if you make me sit in that office from day till night, handling some documents, I might feel that I couldn’t do it, I will breakdown. There may be people who like this type of peaceful life, but for me I don’t think I can.

On Joining the Entertainment Business

P: From a commoner joining the entertainment business, your life has changed abruptly.

X: Yes, hence I keenly experienced the journey of someone, who had lived 25 years as a commoner, suddenly dragged into such an industry.

P: Debuting at 25, to you, do you feel pressured and bothered when you see that the competitors were all younger than you?

X: No, I often feel that I am still quite young. It’s just like someone asked me, what do you think youthfulness is like? I feel that youthfulness is not about age, it’s not about the 16 year old me would be very youthful, of course a 16 year old is a youth, obviously, the age is 16 years old, but youthfulness? Unconfirmed.

P: What do you understand youthfulness to be?

X: I think youthfulness is that energy, just an energy to keep moving forward, unyielding, undefeated, fearless. It’s just you don’t know what the future holds, even if I know that the path ahead isn’t all bright and sunny, but if this path is where I need to go, I would still go, and tell myself that I would be better in the future. I feel that this passionate feeling is youthfulness. Innocence, we have to be forever passionate and innocent, really. If you position yourself as a mature person, then it’ll be too difficult.

P: What have you done that made you feel that you have that youthfulness?

X: I think entering this industry is quite “youthful”, just that energy to keep going.

P: But when you were entering this industry, did you feel torn?

X: Not torn, why do I have to feel torn, instead of saying that I didn’t feel torn, it’s more like I didn’t have time to feel torn, I just had to move forward.

P: After becoming part of a boy group in 2015 till 2016, you actually had a period of time where you didn’t have much work.

X: Stillness, it was stillness. After the end of the talent search show, there was just a period of emptiness, but I didn’t really stop for that period of time, I still kept on doing some things.

P: Did you hope for that period to quickly end then?

X: Actually I didn’t, how strange. In fact that period wasn’t too long, complete emptiness was just that three to four months time, but that period of time I went to classes, dance classes, performance classes. The remaining time I stayed at home, ate salad, and jogged at night.

P: When you look back, do you think that this emptiness was tough?

X: When you ask me to look back at those days, I don’t think they were tough. They were just days, there wasn’t any connotation with them, they weren’t sweet, but they weren’t bitter either. If you ask me not to work for three or four months now, I will feel that would be hell, but at that time I didn’t feel anything, what I wanted to do was to properly lose weight, and do well in my classes.

P: After becoming famous, you did not change your Weibo account name, why?

X: There was no change because I didn’t feel there was a need. Nothing about whether what can be shown or not. At the time, in the 2010s, that was how I was, I am very open, I don’t think there’s anything. Moreover, it stands to show that I am not the nice guy that everyone thinks I am, just a vivid person, I don’t think I am a perfect person, I also don’t want to be a perfect doll.

P: What do you understand of yourself?

X: I am quite aware of who I am. Because of my looks, I don’t think I can be the stunning kind, I just make others feel comfortable, that’s all. All kinds of skills, not especially expert in them, hence I won’t go, and I won’t want to be that kind of perfect idol, I don’t think there’s a need. Just being real, if I want to go shopping, I’ll go shopping, If I want to have a meal with my friends, I’ll have a meal with my friends, so what if they snap pictures of me? I hope everyone can see a lively Xiao Zhan. There was this opinion about me that I liked very much, that I am a brother-next-door within reach, but at the same time still very dazzling, this is the condition that I like.

P: Do you care about being real?

X: It’s like many interviews would always provide an executive summary, I would just ask, is there anything we need to specially look out for? Then you just tell me those questions, and the others I won’t read, otherwise isn’t this as good as being scripted, then how can you answer truthfully. Hence I feel that to me, if there needs to be a good answer, it has to be something I reckon with, something I can feel.

On Performance

P: When you just entered acting, what kind of state was it?

X: That time I was in an extremely self-doubting state, just couldn’t find myself, I felt that I couldn’t find how to freely express myself in front of the camera, to craft that character, I was in pain for a very long time. I really, instead of saying lost, actually I think I was just very, very naive, and not really naive, it was just very one-dimensional. At that point in time my life experiences, or say, my understanding of the acting career, was too one-dimensional, too flimsy, there weren’t multi-facades to it.

P: When you did design previously, you could control it, but now as an actor, it was totally foreign?

X: When I first acted, I broke down. I still remember, when in Shangri’la filming “The Wolf”, there was a crying scene, very cold, on the highlands, it was a night scene, and it still had to rain, I just could not cry, and I really could not cry, I almost wanted to strangle myself. Director Chen Yushan also came over to comfort me, she’s from Taiwan, especially gentle, said it’s alright, if you can’t cry today, we won’t film this today.

I say no no, how can we stop filming because of me. One team, if they stop because of you, it is actually a huge loss. I thought in my heart, no no no, no way no way, what can I do? Just kept trying to nurture the emotions, again and again, the whole night, I really could not cry.

P: So it wasn’t a finally you succeed story?

X: That whole night, I don’t think I performed what they expected, then we called it for the night, when we went back, director Chen Yushan messaged me, it’s alright, we will do it the next day, the next day, we were done in one take, I think that I just had the right condition. I really depend a lot on condition, because to me, I don’t have much technique, if I have it, I have it, if I don’t, I don’t, some actors would use some techniques to help them, I just bite the bullet, that is something I have to strengthen after, because I really depend too much on my emotions, when I have the emotions I can be very good, when I don’t, even if you beat me to death I still don’t have it.

P: Then why was it done in one take the next day?

X: I don’t know, just fused into the character.

P: This type of defeat, did you ever encounter them as a designer?

X: Never encountered. After I go back everyday when filming “The Wolf”, I would directly lie on the bed, with my makeup still on, lie down and stare the ceiling, I could lie down for like 20mins, then get up to remove the makeup.

P: What were you thinking of when you laid down?

X: I actually don’t know what I was thinking, that period of time was quite pressurizing, not pressurizing, just quite upsetting, quite grey, because I want to do well, but I just can’t do it, that was actually the most upsetting.

P: But everyone might not have that much expectations of you because it was your first time acting.

X: Everyone was comforting me, but this type of comfort would actually make me more upset, everyone said it’s alright, it’s your first time acting, it is already very good, but the audience wouldn’t feel that they would let me off because it’s Xiao Zhan’s first time acting, of course not, it couldn’t be that when I’m acting there will be a small caption forever on the side of my face: it’s his first time acting. Impossible, since you took on this role, you have to be responsible to him.

P: When you encounter so much problems, do you feel like you want to run back to your comfort zone?

X: No, since I’m already here, then I won’t leave so easily, otherwise I won’t want to do it well, if I want to leave, it’s also because I want to leave, and not because I couldn’t continue. I can accept that I leave this industry, maybe one day I want to live a new life, I will leave. But it won’t be because I’ve encountered, for example while acting, I encountered a bottleneck, or say this role is very, very difficult, I will give up, no, I will bite the bullet and push through.

P: When did you feel that you have grown as an actor?

X: After filming “The Wolf”, I immediately felt that I’ve grown. That time I would always discuss with Li Qin and Zang Hongna, on when an actor would encounter his eureka moment, their “ding” inspiration moment. Of course I don’t know if I have had it, I don’t think I have yet, because there are still many possibilities, I can only say that at that time I truly improved, and in comparison with what I was before, it was a huge improvement.

P: To you, “The Untamed” was a huge turning point, did the producers feedback to you, what touched them, to select you for the role?

X: I did ask the producer, they said it was sincerity. Sincerity, this is a very amazing word. I feel that first and foremost, you have to be sincere, and then towards the character, you have to be passionate about it, you have to be really so in love with it, if you yourself can’t love your own character, then what you acted, how can the audience love it?

P: Producer Yang Xia said, you have your own understanding of Wei Wuxian, and you don’t want to give off a “turn evil” kind of feeling.

X: This point, we also discussed for quite long, this was the difficult part of this drama, because Wei Wuxian had already been revived, everyone likes to see, after he’s revived, what’s he going to do, but to which level?

The three months worth of pain in the Burial Grounds, only he himself knew, what’s supporting him is the faith that I must survive, for family, for friends, they are all waiting for me, hence I must survive, and then vengeance, I feel that that’s his only motivation for survival. But his roots are there, he had no sense of security since young, he yearns for family, he yearns for affection, he yearns for someone who can give him safe shelter, I feel that he is someone who severely lacks any sense of security, hence whether he came back with a huge vengeance, or came back with distaste for the world, I didn’t want to act that as turning evil, in my heart, he has never turned evil, he was just being pushed forward by the society, well the modern word is society, by the circumstances at that time, he is actually just a very pitiful person, he just had to do it.

On Professionalism

P: Many people said that they liked you because you are someone who truly went through workplace, and they could empathize with you.

X: Everyone would maybe find their own shadow on me, because it’s just very daily life, very vivid person. I did design previously, worked, had these common social experiences, so when you ask me to act as a white collar, I guess it would be easy for me (smile), because I understand how it felt squeezing the metro, rushing for time, I have to on time to punch in, that kind of feeling, I totally understand.

And then now becoming an artist, this process I also felt it’s surreal, I never thought about this before, if you ask me to look back, how did I come to this point, I also don’t know, it was just then the opportunity came, I grasped it. I feel that not only my current job needs to be like this, every job has to be so, when the opportunity strikes, you have to catch it.

P: When you were in the workplace, what did you want the most?

X: At that point in time, what I wanted, to be frank it’s very realistic, I want to win the bid. I must win the bid, I want my clients to see my logo, I feel that everyone should have this kind of ambition. Of course this kind of ambition doesn’t mean that I will do evil, I just want to do the best of myself.

Till now I still remember, when we were still small-time designers, we would sit in a row, everyone could see what everyone else was doing, it was a healthy competition, all were youngsters, all won’t admit defeat, just wanted to be the best. I believe everyone should have that mentality, then you could do your best, and then a company would do well.

P: Because it was a competition, when discussing, would you have some reservations about sharing?

X: No, because I think a healthy environment is very important, everyone is actually fighting with their hard skills, because what you are doing, the monitor is right there, how to hide? When you walk over, I minimise it? Impossible. Everyone is open, it’s just about ability, about tastes, also about idea, it’s subjective, if the client likes it, they like it, if they don’t, no matter how well you do it, he won’t like it.

P: So you are someone who is very competitive?

X: When I was young, for drawing I must win awards, because when I get an awards there would be “bragging rights”, including when I see my parents being proud, I would also feel proud of myself, just competitive, this is actually competitiveness. My competitiveness comes from me doing something, and if I do it well, I would be proud of myself. In workplace, this sense of pride would be say, this logo is worth how much, that’s my sense of pride, it’s actually quite similar to acting, that’s the pride you get when you gain recognition for your work, that kind of self-confidence.

P: Did you ever thought of what would happen if you never entered the entertainment industry?

X: I do think of that sometimes, if time would reverse and I entered that university that I wanted, would my life after that be still the same? Probably not, probably I might be still in the design industry, I could be broken down crying in a random train. That is very possible, isn’t it? There is so much stress in the current working class, housing prices are so high, children’s education fees are so expensive.

P: Maybe corporation slave? (TN: Comes from the Japanese word Shachiku, someone who works as though they are living for the company.)

X: Could also be a top designer corporation slave. A different live I guess, hence I feel this is somewhat fated, since I’m here, I’ll be content with here.

P: So you are content with your current status?

X: I am very content, what else should I be discontent about, I am very content. I am now very content with my status, but I think I could be better, there are still many areas waiting to be explored, whether it is acting or singing, every area, I think I can still explore.

P: A lot of people’s opinion of you is that you are clear headed, and you did not lose yourself even after your sudden burst to fame.

X: I think that might have to do with experience, after experience what true society is like, hence I don’t need, and I don’t want all these fake things. Everyday I always tell myself, today is not good, this is not good, that is not good, everyone would comfort me, and say that it’s quite good, this and that, I said I know whether it’s good or not, just clear headed, actually like what I just said, whether there are people around you who will flatter you, those are not important, what’s important is yourself.

P: After entering this industry, do you feel that you’ve become more complex?

X: I don’t think becoming complex is a bad thing, to me, I’m already 29, a person have to continuously grow, to survive in this society, you have to learn to become complex, staying naive and rash, is in fact not very suitable. Being kind and becoming complex are not mutually exclusive. A complex person maybe is that he will consider a lot of things, to me, I am very mindful of how others feel, before I say anything, I would consider how others will feel when I say it, will I make them uncomfortable, or if I directly point out something he did not do well, will it make him awkward. That is a question that a complex person would consider, it is multi-facade, it is layered, but it does not mean that this person is not kind, it’s not innocent. People are all multi-facade, I don’t think there is anything bad, but just that we must persist on our very initial simplicity and kindness.

P: What is it you hope to do in the future?

X: That is I’m envious, envious of some actors who at a young age, already have a famous work under their belt, a piece of work with great influence, I am envious. But I don’t envy that feeling of being supported by a lot people, because I don’t aim for that. Of course I am thankful that there are so many people who like me now, but this is not the only thing I am aiming for, what I like is, I want to have a good piece of work, so that everyone will remember me, that is what I really want, and what I really want to do.

P: How to quantify a good piece of work?

X: I think able to astonish everyone, of course that astonishment, I think is also subjective, but I feel that at least a professional, would able to professionally judge a piece of work.

P: As an actor, what is it about this job that fascinates you and makes it hard to leave?

X: It does not have something that fascinates me, but what makes it hard to leave is that I really want to act, I don’t know why I am so obsessed with this, I want to meet another good role, just that kind of role that makes me blend into another person’s life, I’m so “high” on this, because I feel that Xiao Zhan’s life is just like this, at least for now, I am unable to go through another life of frivolity.

P: So what is Xiao Zhan’s life like now?

X: Just like this, what you all can see, work, work. Can I still go and live through some crazy life? When I mean crazy I mean those that are a bit more like drama or movie characters, their life experiences, those are the ones I cannot experience now, but I can experience them in acting, that is very “high”, when acting I can do anything. Because I am no longer me, you want me to be drunk and lying on the streets I can, because I am him.

P: What words do you wish to hear when people discuss the person Xiao Zhan?

X: That he is really, doing things intently.

P: Affirming your attitude?

X: Attitude is important, but the results are too.