Cover Story | Xiao Zhan: Rift

Original Article: https://weibo.com/ttarticle/p/show?id=2309404886388649624013
Original Author: 时尚先生Esquire
This article was originally published on 3 Apr on Esquire’s Weibo.

The April Cover Story

I’m beginning to know myself.
I don’t exist.
I’m the rift between what I’d like to be and what others have made of me,
Or half of this rift, since there’s also life…
That’s me.
Period.
Turn off the light, shut the door, and get rid of the slipper noise in the hallway.
Leave me alone in my room with the vast peace of myself.
It’s a shoddy universe.

Fernando Pessoa “I’m Beginning to Know Myself”

“There is already two Xiao Zhans, one of them is here, that’s me.” Early February, while filming in Chongqing Mount Xiannü scenic area, Xiao Zhan said as he ate. “There is another Xiao Zhan, the Xiao Zhan in quotes, but he is probably not me anymore. We are all working for him, including myself.”

Xiao Zhan set his chopsticks down, opened his hands and faced the palms at each other, like gesturing a small shapeless box.

Like before; same as most people; really nothing special; just want to do this job well; did not actually think so much; do not know what else he can do; just staying alone — in the narration related to Xiao Zhan, no matter whether it’s Xiao Zhan or the staff around him, from time to time, when faced with the questions suspended in the air, they could only end with these phrases.

To a celebrity,most of them have a contradictory mentality. On the one hand, people are used to a world of labels, using a few words to summarize a stranger, unwilling to spend any effort; on the other hand, the impulse to explore attracts us to question labels, seeking out the more familiar emotions and human nature. For Xiao Zhan, this contradiction is particularly prominent: He has hardly any labels, and no one can accurately find these few; at the same time, the closer people are to him, the more we will find that his life is exactly one that is most familiar to us, and because it’s so familiar, we start to suspect that it’s not real.This contradiction is like a rift. Xiao Zhan is just doing everything he should be doing within this rift.

1. The House on the Hill

When he was young, usually before Chinese New Year, Xiao Zhan had to climb a hill to pay respects to his ancestors. He felt then that Chongqing was really too big, the hills were so distant, and in order to climb that hill he had to walk so far. Early morning, just after waking up, he had to follow the adults, setting off from his home, taking the public bus to the central station, switching bus, going from the southern district of Chongqing to the north of the river, crossing the river, then he would only arrive at the entrance to the hill. This was in the 1990s, that road then was still a muddy road that was created by years of villagers’ footsteps. There were wild grass by the road, and the road was narrow, less than a meter wide, so cars could not drive in. Xiao Zhan remembered that the road under his feet would be barely visible, clear for a while, blur for a while, and if it was a rainy day, the road would be very slippery, and the children would run ahead. Children would always dash to the very front, the adults would always yell from behind, it’s wrong, it’s wrong, not that side, it’s this side.

There were no landmarks, no GPS, Xiao Zhan and his family found their ancestral home by the road on that hill just by memory. It was a dark brown wooden house. The house was probably a hundred years old, it used to be the home to the parents of Xiao Zhan’s grandmother, or even grandparents of his grandmother. Of course, there is no one living there now. Xiao Zhan walked in the old house, he remembered that the first floor had 2 bedrooms, the second floor also had a small bedroom, the first floor led to the second floor with a wooden ladder. An old stove which burned firewood. The entire house was made of wood, there was a small courtyard outside of the house, and there seemed to be a pomegranate tree inside.

This was a necessary trip in the big family. When they were on the hill, there were a lot of activities, Xiao Zhan would gather wild onions, pluck carrots and dig for wild vegetables with his elder cousins, and they also tried to setup a fire to cook. When tired from playing, sometimes he would also try to stay by himself for a while. He saw that there were small hills behind this big hill, so he left his family and climbed up that small hill, starting a child’s exploration. When he was at the back of the hill, there was no one around him, he would stay there quietly alone, looking at the greenish black shadows of the faraway hills. His family would usually stay on the hill for a day, and only come down in the evening.

“A child will not fear,” he recalled his then-self, “only someone, who is grown up, will.” Looking at the hazy faraway hills, he really wanted to walk over — a child never lacked courage — then he felt, no matter how difficult the road would be, he could climb up with his hands and legs. But later on, as he slowly grew older, going to middle school, to university, when he came to this hill again, he did not dare to climb it as boldly and casually as he did as a child.

His most recent time to this hill was a few years ago. Now the road had been rebuilt, the highway could go straight to the foot of the hill. Xiao Zhan and his family would drive to the foot of the hill, but they would still need to climb it with their legs. They walked towards that road that they have walked on over and over again throughout the years. As a child, Xiao Zhan felt that adult’s legs could walk so fast, but now, he stayed in Chongqing less and less, and discovered that his parents were getting old and could not walk after walking for a while. He and his elder cousins carried the luggage, one step by one step, that long and tiring journey in their memories – they had to walk past so many places, such as a bamboo forest, an area of grave mounds, signifying a milestone for each segment – but this time it seemed to be shorter, without knowing it, in just a few steps, they had reached that door of the old house. Looking back on the journey, that big bamboo forest of his childhood seems to be just a small pile now. Those terrifying groups of grave mounds, only seemed to be two or three now. And then those small hills, it took so much time to climb up as a child, but now he seemed to be able to step onto it by gently lifting his legs. As for those steep ridges in his memory, it seemed that the slope had also flattened. The muddy road was gone, the winding mountain road in black asphalt shone in the sun.

The hill used to be so far, used to be so tall, Xiao Zhan now thought, but as time goes by, the hill was no longer faraway, and also not as tall anymore. Then, he was just a common Chongqing child, now, a lot of people know that his name is Xiao Zhan. However, what remained unchanged is that the hill is still without a name.

2. The Factory District in the Dreams

Now, Xiao Zhan would still dream of the places he lived in as a child, that factory district that represented the entire world then. The factory district seemed to belong to a certain car parts production company – Small District 1, Small District 2, Small District 3, Small District 4, Small District 5. He already forgot exactly which district he stayed in – the houses in the factory district looked very similar, 7 to 8 storeys high, one by one, it was a patch of grey in his memory. He had many playmates of the same age in the factory district. After finishing their homework, like other places in the whole country, the children would run down the buildings, the shouts came one after another, echoing in the air. “So-and-so come down quickly! So-so is already down here!” After playing until 8pm or 9pm, mothers would look out of their windows, shouting down in the dark: “So-and-so, come home! So-so, bed time!”

Soccer, hide-and-seek, hiding in a grass mound or a turn, some dark, unnoticeable corner. The scariest place in the factory district is an abandoned canal, the entrance was very big, the people were so tall, it was pitch black inside, nothing could be visible. Bats would fly out once in a while. Bolder children would walk in with a lit firewood. Xiao Zhan has never gone inside before, it was too dark inside, he would look at them from afar.

Injuries from falls were common, children would fall onto the ground as they ran, so did Xiao Zhan, he had quite a few scars on his knees. Now, looking at these scars from childhood, he felt that these were possibly the more realistic life instead. Now everything seemed more unreal, fantasy. There were no mobile phones and internet then, it seemed like every moment of the life then remained here, like a photograph, paused in his memory, left in his heart. Xiao Zhan still remembered now, sometimes his parents would not allow him to go downstairs, worried that he would play too wildly. He would stay alone in his room, resting against the windowsill looking down. He could still recall what he saw then – the neighbor’s balcony, the flowerpots on the balcony, the clothes drying in the sun, the garden downstairs, the small path in the garden. He could remember everything clearly. When he was in third or fourth grade in elementary school, he would fold paper airplanes, flying them down from the fifth storey. One paper airplane would fly very far, until it flew to the balcony opposite. He would frequently dream of running the the factory district, at the places meant for children to run. In those dreams, Xiao Zhan did not seem to have left the place and came back. He remembered his mood in the dream – I am still here, I’m just tired from playing, climb upstairs, go home, I want to have a nap in my bedroom.

Xiao Zhan’s home was on the fifth storey then. When going upstairs, the staircase was old, and many lights did not light up. Every time he walked until the third storey, he always had to take a deep breath due to the fear of the dark, dash up to the fourth floor with “thud, thud, thud” sounds, there would be light at the fourth storey. Now, intermittently, he would still dream of that dark third storey passageway. It was pitch black in his dreams, nothing would be visible, and there was something in an unknown corner. There was once that made a deep impression on him, he had already walked past the darkness of the third storey and reached the fifth storey, but there were still no light. Faced with the familiar front door, he reached out his hands in his dream, tried to turn the door knob with strength but he could not turn it, he clenched his fists to pound on the door, but there was no one at home. He could not open that door no matter what, so he stood fruitlessly in that passageway in his dreams.

Like everyone else, sometimes Xiao Zhan would also dream of examinations. He would always wake up in a fright. There was once it was a mathematics teacher, who was quite fierce. Actually he quite liked that teacher, but in the dream, the teacher looked at him and said, what’s wrong with you, how did you not know how to do a single question? He looked at the functions on his book, dazed, “Why do I still remember functions? I can’t do a single question, I’m gone.”

The factory district was the whole world, it was almost vast without boundaries. To go out of the factory district, he had to get prior approval from his parents, just like going abroad. He was reading encyclopedia then, every set had 4 books, one of the book described Earth and the Universe, there was a picture on the book, showing the layers of the Earth’s mantle, and there were still many layers below the crust. He thought that Earth was like that, and then remembered that there was an especially large rock in the garden downstairs. He later called for his buddies to the rock, and suggested, let’s move it, below would be magma, that’s really how the Earth looked like.

Now when he recalled, his thoughts then were childish and laughable, but as he savored, he still did not know why he was so persistent on that rock, persistent on the true face of the Earth – it was just a normal rock, a child, but he wanted to see the entire Universe behind it.

3. City of Mountains

The Chongqing in Xiao Zhan’s memory was very old, but also very new. He remembered in the movie theaters, during the 1990s, his parents brought him to watch “Lover’s Grief over the Yellow River”, “Lotus Lantern” and “Anaconda”. He had to squeeze in the public bus to visit the People’s Liberation Monument. It was really difficult to squeeze onto the bus. Probably because everyone wanted to occupy up a seat. He could not remember the exact routes – it could be starting with “3”, after getting onto the bus, people would argue over the seats, sometimes they would even fight. That bus route was too rowdy, there would always be something like this happening. On the bus, Xiao Zhan would look out of the window, the bus would have a long period of quiet and tranquil road after passing the lower city district, on both sides of the windows, there would be scenes of an antiquated city. But after crossing the Changjiang Bridge, in a blink, he would have entered an optimistic, contemporary modern city. This was already the upper city district, that time, Chongqing was already starting to build skyscrapers. As to the lower city district, the area nearest to the river had most of the old houses, and now most of them had been demolished. That kind of city view was very mesmerizing, Xiao Zhan felt that now, he seemed to be within history, within the lingering understated past, but yet he could see the brilliant glass walls of the skyscrapers as he looked up, as though these mysterious things of the passing future were about to take him away.

And also the Datianwan Stadium in the Yuzhong district. The era of C League soccer. Chongqing’s home match was massively popular all over the country. His father would bring him to watch soccer, Chongqing Lifan FC, in 1997, 1998, 1999 and 2000 – the best years of Chongqing FC, the stadium would always be full of tens of thousands of people, everyone yelling “Chongqing, rise up!” in unison. Xiao Zhan was young then, he did not understand, look at the full stadium of dense crowd of heads, he just felt it was lively.

That was still the era of newspapers. When he was young, Xiao Zhan’s family subscribed to Chongqing Business Daily, he liked to read newspapers, so many pages, and he would almost flip through all of them. Later, after a few years, he was grown up, there was free Chongqing Morning News on the light rail, and he would also get a copy habitually. He would first read social news usually, from top to bottom, sometimes, he had not arrived at his stop after reading the entire newspaper, and he would go back to the front page and read from the beginning again.

That was also the era of pen pals. In school, teachers would encourage students to make pen pals – perhaps to train essay composition ability, he also made one, sending each other letters, talking about weather, sunlight and Chongqing’s rain. But there were only 2 rounds of letters. However, he still remembered how he was anticipating his letter. After sending the letter, after a week, he would come to the communication room in school, checking the class letterbox. Flipping up his hand, opening the cover, looking for the letter that writes “Xiao Zhan” from the thick stack of envelopes.

Time moves forward in some kind of order like flowing water. Middle school. High school. University. When taking the entrance exams for universities, he wrote down art related ambitions, his results were way head of Chongqing’s score line, and he could also participate in the entrance examinations in other schools in the whole country. The teacher asked Xiao Zhan, are you sure you want to pick Chongqing? Why don’t you go out and try, such as to Beijing or to Zhejiang, have a look at China Academy of Art.

He said he did not want to. Xiao Zhan was very clear, Chongqing was quite fine. He loved Chongqing too much. If he were not an actor, he would not need to go so many places, he might have stayed here all the time. But, he also thought now, everything is unknown, if there was a parallel world, he might not be in Chongqing long ago. It was not that he deliberately wanted to leave, nor deliberately wanted to stay, it was just that he did not have a clear destination, he did not have to be at somewhere.

Now he has already forgotten the name of the road on his way to work. His friend recommended him, he posted his resume, passed his interview. That design company was in an industrial park in Chongqing, he also could not remember if it was the second or third storey. After walking in, there were rows and rows of workstations, the company was not big, about 10 people or so. Work started at 9am, knocking off at 6pm, clocking twice a day. He set off from home, riding on public transport, passing a bridge. He sat if there were seats, if not he stood. Sometimes it was jammed, sometimes it did not. During work meetings, he would sit by the sides – like almost everyone else, he wanted to sit on the seat furthest away from the boss. His work comprised of image construction and drawing. They wore earphones and drew while listening to music. The entire atmosphere of the company was duller, the dark industrial style, with the air conditioner making muffled sounds indoors. If it was an overcast rainy day, the room would be even darker. He did not smoke, sat near a colleague who smoked at his seat, there would be some smoke in the air once in a while, but he felt that was inconsequential. Sometimes, if the client wanted something urgently, they would spend the night working overtime. When he left in the morning, his head would feel a bit heavy, Xiao Zhan would walk into the nearby convenience store, just buying some snacks.

If it was raining when they knocked off, then it would be a little frustrating. Xiao Zhan had to walk up a hill to take public transport, and the rain will flow down the road while he was walking up towards it, as good as walking up against the flow, just a few steps, his shoes would be completely wet. He was already tired, and his whole body would be sticky from the rain, and now his shoes were filled with water, he would wait for public transport in frustration. There were a lot of people knocking off, he might not be able to get on the first transport, so he had to continue standing, waiting for the next one again.

When he got his salary, he would give a portion to his parents and leave some for himself. He did not smoke, drink, at most he went to KTV with his friends, rarely visited the malls. When the season changed and he really needed clothes, he would then think of buying a couple. He always maintained this habit – buy only what he lacked, and he would buy directly, never going to the mall first.

4. Face and Drama

Now, after waking up, Xiao Zhan would stand in front of the mirror. In the mirror, his hair was messy, sometimes his face would be slightly swollen. He thought, if someone saw him in this state, what would they think? He had to be responsible for his image. As an artist, he rightfully had to care about his image. He loved to eat bread, but carbohydrates causes edema, he would have single eyelids when filming drama. So he had to control his cravings. There was one drama, he had to eat skewers of meat in the scene, so he went hungry first for a while. There was one period of time he would not drink water after 6pm. There was a while, he was thinner than his usual weight by 20 catty (12kg). But he felt that there was nothing to say about these, these were just work needs.

His face makes him seem younger. A lot of people who met him would ask him how old he was. He liked to pretend that he had been through a lot and say 30 plus. But people would just feel that this person just looks like he’s 20 plus. He would say thank you. But looking younger is not always something good. When he had to portray a role of someone who had a certain age, looking younger was an obstacle in crafting the character. Once, he met some of the older actors in the drama, he observed their expressions, their facial movements. He noticed that the edge of a person’s lips would turn downwards as they grew older, he also learned to turn the edge of his lips down. And he had to learn the gaze – he usually looks at something in focus, looks in concentration, those were the gaze of a youth, he went on to observe the older actors, and discovered that they squinted as they looked at people, out of focus, not caring and not trying hard, he learned those, looked at himself in the mirror again, and it seemed like he finally looked a little like it. Of course, he was not simply pursing the sense of age, but because the story required it, he wanted to sculpt his character more fully, so that audiences will not feel out of character.

He started body building, training muscles deliberately, at the end of 2020. He used to jog habitually, but because he had to act as someone physically strong in a drama, he started body building, and this habit remained until now. Now, even when in the makeup room, he would also look for time to do some high efficiency training movements, or jog. But as always, there were always some voices who worry that he would destroy the image he once had. He also did not want to draw his hair longer, and also did not want to have bangs during styling. His team would always tell him, listen to everyone’s voices, you looked better that way. Sometimes, he would deliberately make himself more rough on purpose, and there would indeed be people who would be angry – and many people would be angry, some times there would be voices telling him, you don’t want to train – this face is his, but there are countless people looking, countless people giving requests, this face, the face in the mirror, Xiao Zhan looked at it, sometimes he would think that it belonged to him, but it also seemed to belong to other people.

Would it be an obstacle in his acting career being considered good-looking? Someone had asked him that more than once. This might be the same dilemma for good-looking celebrities. He would think so too. But he could not do anything deliberately. Everything had to depend on the script, on the plot and on the needs of the character. If he were to portray a youth in an urban drama, he thought, being ugly on purpose was not correct too. If the story is worthwhile and needed him to change this face, then he also had enough passion and willingness to change for the role. This face could help him, but he also knew that he had to put in more effort sometimes.

Now, he thought, perhaps it was more important to find the balance. Those who like him, some would always stay on, and some will leave. He is just walking forward step by step, just like climbing a hill as a child, with this ever-changing face of Xiao Zhan.

When reading the script, Xiao Zhan would always have some little thoughts – if he were an audience now, looking from the third party perspective, this story, could this script move him, could he empathize with the character, he was very afraid to become a wandering spirit in the scene, just standing there reciting lines. He knew that empty recitation of lines had no meaning. In an ancient period drama that was full of emotions, those days, he was always analyzing how to speak, such that the audiences’ hearts would wrench for him. The best classes were of course acting with better actors. He was not afraid that audiences saying that he was not as good as these veteran actors. He was more concerned about whether he had improved in the drama, and if he had learned new things.

When he first started acting, Xiao Zhan did what the director told him to do. But actually until now, he still did not know whether which expression or action of his was considered “good” on the camera – he truly did not know where the standard was, and no one discussed such questions with him – what kind of face is correct? Those so-called actor face, movie face, model face, idol face, these mysterious words, what were the differences between them? His criterion for judging was very simple, that is just to look at the picture itself, and see if that face in the scene could move himself.

Now, Xiao Zhan would have dreams when arriving at a new drama group. He would frequently dream of the director looking for him, telling him how to perform a scene. “But I can’t even remember the lines” – he would think so in a panic in the dream, then he would wake up suddenly in a fright. He would be unable to sleep, so he got off the bed, came to the table, holding a pen to mark on the script, searching for those unreasonable places, and continued to memorize his lines.

One of the ways to relieve stress was to run. Now it was not as convenient as before to run, there was always someone following. In 2016, he had just debuted and lived at Yuelianghe, and in order to look photogenic, he would always run along the small river next to it. Later on, there was a drama and he went to Zhejiang Xiangshan. Every night, as long as there were no night scenes, he would go jogging. It was very hot in the summer, and Xiangshan then was empty and faraway, there were some vast and endless farmlands – it was unlike the Xiangshan he visited a few years later, it had completely turned into a bustling scene – there were wheat fields, rice fields in the countryside, especially beautiful. After dark, he ran along the concrete road at the edge of the fields. There were often big cars driving on the road. For safety, he would turn on the flash of his mobile phone so that passing cars could see the light and notice the people. Sometimes he would run alone, sometimes he would run with other actors. After running for a while, his body would be soaking wet, but it was very comfortable, it was hot and cool at the same time. Sometimes as he ran, it would start raining – Xiao Zhan was just Xiao Zhan at this time, he felt – during this moment, he completely belonged to himself.

I am the rift between
that person that I want to become
And that person that other people make me to be

Since his debut, from his first drama until now, Xiao Zhan’s every character had not repeated. Every time, when receiving a new script, be it him or his team, they would always ask, are you really accepting this character? Confirming that you want to film this drama? They would repeatedly screen, repeatedly reconsider, hoping that there would be new improvements in each role, and every role would also be different from Xiao Zhan.

What he himself thought of it. There did not seem to be an easy answer. Filming dramas, filming commercials, some public events, besides these, Xiao Zhan would stay alone most of the time. On the set, Xiao Zhan would be like a bat burrowing back into its cave, he would burrow into his hotel room, and stayed inside as long as he could; usually, he would stay at home, of course, except for the driver who picks him up to work, few people knew where he stayed – it was like a habit, and more like an instinct – he estimated that even if he switched to a different career, he would still not like sitting in a café or a bar. He did not like to go to crowded places before, so his current job is surprisingly suitable for him – after knocking off he could stay alone, watching dramas by himself, playing games by himself, doing push-ups and things he wanted to do.

There were many problems that could be understood when alone – of course there were those you could not understand, Xiao Zhan’s method was to not think about them for the time being. He had to solve problems himself, he rarely took the initiative to tell others. Confiding to others was phrase far away from him. His friends would tell him, if he was under pressure, he should tell others, confide, and vent. He disagreed. If the problem could be resolved, then he could understand it, those that could not be resolved would only increase troubles by speaking out. He would rather try to do something new. This could be considered as his experience. People are constantly encountering new problems, and when new matters meet new problems, then the old problems would be forgotten, and at this time, the answers would become obvious: this proved that the previous problem was not so important. Even if those important problems were forgotten, they would resurface in some quiet dead of night – like a huge wave crashing over a lone lost ship, at this moment, Xiao Zhan felt that there was still no solution.

The problem was not about confiding, he thought. Even if he told a hundred people, the problem would still exist there, unresolved, and it would float back in the middle of the night.

He had been like this since his university days, because he did not confide and he was unwilling to express, he became someone who gave others a sense of security instead, he would be caught by his friends, his role was a living listening ear. But, on the one hand, in order to help his friends, he would always listen; and then forget after listening, on the other hand, he had to block these off as much as possible, when someone wanted to confide in him he would first ask: “Are you saying something related to me? If it’s not related to me then don’t say it, I really don’t want to hear it.” He felt that it was difficult to keep secrets for others, so he tried his best not to listen to other people’s privacy – there was a risk in listening, if the secret was revealed, then he would become a suspect, he did not want to be a suspect, and even more so he did not want to have to prove his integrity to his friends later on: “I did not say that, I did not betray you.” That would be ridiculous, he thought.

Now, he spends very little time alone. When it was extravagant, he could get 3 days in a row. During this time, he and his staff tried to not communicate with each other as much as possible, each working on their own matters, leaving space – so that he could return to his small universe, this was a habit at first, then it became tacit understanding, and now it became a fact. Once in a while they would encounter a little trouble at work, Xiao Zhan would be able to draw some energy from his body and firmly control the matter. There was an event, it was a rare accident, it was time to go onstage, but they were still on the way, after getting out of the car, Xiao Zhan rushed to the stage, the host was improvising, filling in the time sentence by sentence. Walking onto the stage, Xiao Zhan remembered, his heart was still pounding wildly, he suppressed it first, then sent the words out of his mouth. But no one saw any flaws – his control was too good, too steady, and like many times before, the staff was sure that he really had a small universe with him.

“I’m going to leave” – sometimes, maybe he was a little tired, or he wanted to relieve stress suddenly, he would crack such a joke – just a joke, but with a serious expression. What is he going to do after leaving? Maybe he will be a florist, or open an art gallery, he said. Going anywhere would be fine – as long as he is alone, back to the factory district of his childhood, the viewing stands of Datianwan, or the public bus to People’s Liberation Monument. He could also run back to the door that could not be opened in the fifth storey, or back to his job as a designer. If he continued running, he would back to that hill in his childhood. The hill used to be so far, so tall, but as time went on, the hill was no longer far, and no longer as tall. A lot of people know that his name is Xiao Zhan, but that hill continued to be without a name.

But, if he were to really leave,
He probably might not.
He is just here,
Now is his most appropriate place –
Between that person he wants to be and that person people expect him to be,
Within this rift, he continuously moves forward.